This past month by far has been the most trying for me since my divorce over 2 years ago. A private, personal struggle. It has been a time that I have shed a lot of tears, questioned a lot of beliefs and felt an enormous amount of fear. It's scary to so suddenly feel you've had your entire life ripped out from underneath you. I have been through this before and it's not any easier two times around. I'm not sure what my purpose is in writing about this, I'm not trying to humiliate or point blame at anyone. I just know that I have carried the burden of my thoughts around for three weeks too long. Perhaps getting it down all on paper could help it get a little easier. God knows my days are each one in it's own. I don't know if today will be a good day, or a bad day. Depends where my thoughts take me. So how can I explain my pain without explaining the whole thing? Twisting, turning, burning, poking. In my gut. My heart, every beat slower, longer, my blood feeling thicker and hotter with each laborious beat. That lump in your throat. The one you get when you get a little frightened by something, your saliva thick and heavy. Rotting the inside of your mouth. Not knowing whether to sit and cry or scream and throw shit. Breaking something would be rewarding. The sound of shattering glass. The same sound you felt when you knew. Ever look in the mirror and doubt every second of the same image you once thought was good enough? And now, you wonder how. Why? What are you going to do with this mess? Nothing is enough. I just want to relax again. I am tired of standing on the top of this mess and wondering how it's going to get cleaned up so that life can go back to the way it once was. Will it? I'm sorry I ever took for granted the peace I once experienced. The security in knowing that when I wake up tomorrow I still know what now I wonder each day will still be there? I can't enjoy the little things again yet. I can't even enjoy my faith. Faith I had in one of the most important things in my life got taken. I question why He would allow this to happen to me when I thought I was doing everything just the way He wanted it. These trials and tribulations are to make you stronger? I'm weaker. Rewind to me at 15. I get to start all over again. This time less naive. Less trusting. Less happy. Someday there is a reward, I'm still a believer in. Someday this life that can be so ugly, so mean, so tough. I will continue to believe. That God put me here, because He knew me. He knew I could get through this. And I will. One long, treacherous day at a time.
Sometimes we have shattered dreams and broken hearts. but as we look around and see the childern and grandchildren in our lives the our purpose here is defined. we must teach the love and caring we know in our heart is there to give as if we have never been hurt.
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