The past year has been far from easy. Now we wait in limbo to find out what the conclusion to this phase of our 5 year battle will be. I have mourned what the results have so far presented themselves to be. The conflict from what if, how come, why, and who have broken my family as much as the pending ruling could. Peace is my ultimate wish in all of this, and I have wanted and desired nothing but. Yet somehow, sometimes the more you want something, the less chance you will get it.
My walk with God throughout this though is something that I know I could not have achieved without this adversity. I know that I would have faced my own journey alone if not made to be so weak. So on the bright end of this, I am closer to God. It does make it harder to keep staying close when things don't go the way you have been praying for, or the way you really want. I am trying to make sense of everything, to suck up as much as I can out of it all to make as much good as is available. I know that some of that making good though is up to God to do, so trying to keep my own will and way out of it is the other struggle. I am not patient with the healing process. I tend to want resolution, and want it now. Not wanting to wait through the painful process of putting the broken pieces back together. I flip flop between optimist and depressionist. One minute wanting to end it all, next minute convincing myself that it's really all going to be okay.
I promised myself and my husband that I was going to be in prayer this week. Real prayer. Devoted, and committed prayer. It's part of our sermon series at church. My part is to pray and journal it. So that I can see God at work in my praying. I need this more than anything. It comes during a time when I have questioned if God has even heard me.
Heavenly father: Today I ask you to please be with my loved ones who are apart from me. Place protection around all they do and experience this week. Make their actions intentional towards you and your word Lord. I pray that you open eyes and hearts this week, and that you bring happiness and peace away from sorrow and fear. I pray that you speak to the hearts of those that refuse to listen to you and your word, that you would change the hearts of those who cannot let go of sinful ways, that they would make new habits to only hear and obey you lord. I ask that you help me to use my time for you, to keep my thoughts pure and right, and honorable. I pray for my family. Please Lord, help the healing process of the brokenness as a result of sin. Pray that the brokenness does not cause them to sin more. I ask Lord that you protect the hearts of my children and give them the avenue to express their hurt and to leave it at the feet of your son Jesus. Lord I thank you for these blessings of your word and your work. I pray for your will. I pray for your plan to made well, for only you can make good out of bad. Please Lord help me to see your purpose in these painful days, and help me to know what my purpose is in it. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
