Imperfect perfection

All morning the "he is jealous for me" song has been running through my mind and still is at this very moment. After another "normal" day of being an "imperfect" woman, berating and picking apart all the things that aren't the way I want them to be, this song on replay in my mind is fitting.
Being a girl is tough. Not only do we have so many options for maintaining our look and appearance, but there are so many beautiful women to compare it to. Turning 35 is hauntingly close for me, and I struggle slightly with the fact that I am no longer considered a "young woman", but now venture into middle-aged-dom. I always asserted that I would go in unscathed. Bounce through it untainted by the stereotypical crises' and meltdowns. But as I get 3-4 months closer it looks as though I am going in kicking and screaming.
Today was unlike most days for me. It's not everyday that I can roll out of bed, get dressed and not do as much as glance in the mirror, trotting off without a care on what the image projects. I could spend an entire morning working on that image. Tweaking, picking, and prodding. Sure that I can get it to look just so. Not perfect, just, right.
"He is jealous for me", really Lord? Jealous? Jealous is such a strong word normally holding such contempt and, unpleasantness. How would I be able to induce such feelings in God, so perfect? Jealous because I spend so much precious time preparing myself for others, for this world, for my own self-worth? When God, the entire time, is watching over me, and saying, "Chandra, my child, you ARE beautiful!"
I know that there is more to this song, but "oh, how He loves us so", Loves us in spite of what we consider flaws and imperfections. God watches us and only sees us as "wholly and wonderfully made", in HIS image!

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

And so it is a gift.

Trust. How well do you really know the meaning of something so important? Everyday we trust in so many different ways. Only when trust is broken or challenged do we really begin to see how important a thing it is -and how we often take it for granted.
I Googled for the definition of trust, and the Merriam-Webster dictionary stated it as both a noun and a verb. " n. assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; v. to place confidence." So trust is someone and something to give to someone? Think about how many places, people, and things we trust almost every minute of our day, without a second thought.
My ability to trust has been challenged as of late. It has been something that I have almost had to relearn in order to have again. So I question the whole idea of trust. Is trust something you earn, or you give? Do you trust and wait, then rescind once broken, and then wait for it to be earned back? How does someone really earn trust once broken? How do they earn it if they've never broken it? Is it their words? Or are actions better proof?
Trust to me, in the past, has always been a lot like faith. Faith is defined by Webster's as: "n.: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1): fidelity to one's promises (2): sincerity of intentions, : (3): something that is believed especially with strong conviction." Faith I do not have to see or feel or even know for certain to believe. But yet, what I have faith in, I strongly believe. And I have been told my entire life to believe, because I should. Hmmm. There it is again. That feeling in my heart. That warm gush of comfort and love. Telling me I don't have to have it all figured out. That this life was meant for me and my map has been drawn. I just have to stay on path. Though I have gotten lost, both on my own and by the influences of others, I still seem to find my way back to where trust and faith are congruent. Wouldn't life be easier to trust that a higher being is in control of where I should be heading and let go of the rope a little more? So in truth, trust, of everything in life, really goes back to trusting one singular source. Trusting only of everything else will almost surely lead to disappointment and heartache. Adversity will put you to the test, to see where that trust of yours really lies. But I can say, that once you get there, it's pretty easy to let go, and free fall for a little while. It's that faith that matters. It's not really up to you. And no matter what. Really, everything is going to be just fine.

Divine intervention

Just when I think I am starting to hit bottom the Lord steps in and gives me strength where ever He knows that I will listen. The local paper was my life scripture: Jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to cherish and not to harm you. To bring you hope and a future." Yes, yes, I know Lord, there are plans and I just have to relax and remember to trust in that. I will let you do what is necessary. Perhaps I need pain, though not near as a great a pain as your Son experienced, for your work to go through as planned.

Suffering
Perseverance
Character
Hope

...though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you don't see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy"
1Peter 1:6-8

twists and turns

This past month by far has been the most trying for me since my divorce over 2 years ago. A private, personal struggle. It has been a time that I have shed a lot of tears, questioned a lot of beliefs and felt an enormous amount of fear. It's scary to so suddenly feel you've had your entire life ripped out from underneath you. I have been through this before and it's not any easier two times around. I'm not sure what my purpose is in writing about this, I'm not trying to humiliate or point blame at anyone. I just know that I have carried the burden of my thoughts around for three weeks too long. Perhaps getting it down all on paper could help it get a little easier. God knows my days are each one in it's own. I don't know if today will be a good day, or a bad day. Depends where my thoughts take me. So how can I explain my pain without explaining the whole thing? Twisting, turning, burning, poking. In my gut. My heart, every beat slower, longer, my blood feeling thicker and hotter with each laborious beat. That lump in your throat. The one you get when you get a little frightened by something, your saliva thick and heavy. Rotting the inside of your mouth. Not knowing whether to sit and cry or scream and throw shit. Breaking something would be rewarding. The sound of shattering glass. The same sound you felt when you knew. Ever look in the mirror and doubt every second of the same image you once thought was good enough? And now, you wonder how. Why? What are you going to do with this mess? Nothing is enough. I just want to relax again. I am tired of standing on the top of this mess and wondering how it's going to get cleaned up so that life can go back to the way it once was. Will it? I'm sorry I ever took for granted the peace I once experienced. The security in knowing that when I wake up tomorrow I still know what now I wonder each day will still be there? I can't enjoy the little things again yet. I can't even enjoy my faith. Faith I had in one of the most important things in my life got taken. I question why He would allow this to happen to me when I thought I was doing everything just the way He wanted it. These trials and tribulations are to make you stronger? I'm weaker. Rewind to me at 15. I get to start all over again. This time less naive. Less trusting. Less happy. Someday there is a reward, I'm still a believer in. Someday this life that can be so ugly, so mean, so tough. I will continue to believe. That God put me here, because He knew me. He knew I could get through this. And I will. One long, treacherous day at a time.

Little life lessons...thus far

Life can be difficult, or life can be easy. It's really all a matter of perspective, don't you think? I am always on a quest to be better than I was yesterday. Not a quest for "perfection", I know that is irrational, and not the way anyone was intended. Just smarter. Work smarter, live smarter, love smarter, and believe smarter. Smartness is not all about just your brain power, it's taking that brain power and seaming it smoothly right alongside your emotions. Unfortunately, I am a person who will let one out bid the other on deciding my actions and reactions to things in life. Usually, yes, the emotions win. Maybe because I am a girl I am destined to behave dramatic and tragic. The older I get, the less drama is exciting, and tragedy... is just down right scary. Today I face issues and situations that are much more complex and stressful than my parents had to face at my age. And some issues, are just issues because I make them that way. Here's a couple of things running through my brain right now that I want to keep on my smartness list that I hope can make life easier and give more time for enjoying the good things in life. Would love to hear what anyone else keeps on their mental smartness list.

1. Simplify. Everything. Whatever you do now, make it simpler. Not easier, just less complex.
with bigger rewards.

2. My emotions are mine, and someone else didn't cause me to feel that way -I chose to feel that way. This is great for road rage. ;)

3. Don't leave the mess for later. Clean it up right then and there. Unfinished projects grow bigger and bigger the longer it sits. It's a LOT easier to do it now before your time is taken with other projects.

4. but, acting spontaneously is only good for things like bungee jumping, or skydiving or other adrenaline pumping activities. Spontaneity with money, relationships, time, is not.

5. Say "I love you" more.

6. Always know that no matter how bad it is, someone else has, or has had it worse. And if it's a bad as it has ever been for you at that moment...don't worry, it WILL get better.

7. I have a right to my opinion, I just don't always have the right to make it known.

8. Nothing in life stays the same. Expect and prepare for change.

9. Faith is the biggest gift we can allow ourselves to receive.

10. It really is true that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all. Those are moments that need nice things said the most.

11. Making a difference in someone's life, makes a difference in your own life.

12. Stop, think, then react. If needed, sleep on it.

13. Don't sweat what hasn't happened yet, chances are good, most of it won't happen.

Now I didn't come up with these all on my own. I have heard most or some of these most of my life. I just now finally, after 34 years decided to listen to it.
peace out.

Further action in the CPSIA fight

So today the Wichita Eagle ran a news article regarding how the new CPSIA law affects local small businesses, like resellers, consignment and thrift shops, and the affect on crafter's like myself.
They came and interviewed Christiane, the owner of Hannah Banana, and because I happened to be there, myself about my Missy Me business. They also took mucho pictures of Henry, but of course. We got the front page, and nice quotes and photos of Christiane, and a picture of one of my blankets. Unfortunately, Henry ended up on the cutting room floor. :(
Click on the link to see the online article. It's interesting to see the comments from readers and how many think this is complete b.s.
http://www.kansas.com/news/story/656850.html?pageNum=2&mi_pluck_action=page_nav#Comments_Container

The good news is the CPSC clarified the law yesterday in a release, regarding resellers and consignment/thrift stores. It looks as though all should be fine for them, but nothing has been said about the handcrafters. So my business dreams should be good to go, but may have to fill my supplemental income need somewhere else, or just take the risk. Or maybe do like the one reader said on Kansas.com and find an alley downtown to peddle my contraband blankets.
Read it yourself if you're interested, and notice how it excuses them from following the law, but not from receiving the consequences of breaking it. Gotta love the USA!
http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml09/09086.html

The Government giveth, the government taketh...

Some of you know, and some may not know, that it has been my long time goal to own my own business. The past 8 months I have been diligently, slowly, working my way to piece my life together to get into a position to have one. It has been the one thing that keeps me hopeful that everything will be as it should be, in my mind, one day. It's the one thing that I felt would miraculously "save me" and my so-called life. Yesterday the dreams got all but snuffed out. The Government, God save us, has passed a law that will require all children's items intended for children 12 and under, to undergo lead and phthylate testing in order to be "legal" to sell in the US. Congress really felt they were doing us consumers favors by instating this heavy duty restriction on anything our children could put in their mouths and poison themselves with. Congress didn't really think it through all that hard as this will send small businesses and factories into bankruptcy. So many that February 10th is being dubbed "National Bankruptcy day". So what that means my friends, is that all the kids items out there on the retail and consignment racks will go straight to the landfill as of February 10th, 2009. What does that mean for my business dream? It means, THE END. At least for a Hannah Banana store, or any children's type store for that matter. I can't and most can't afford the expensive testing for each item sold to make sure it is clear of lead and phthylates. This even will close down my Missy Me business as well, as my baby blankets are now going to be considered "poison". How rude. Very very sad as many crafters, quilters and stay at home moms will have their dreams dashed all because of some thoughtless Congress peoples, and some cotton, organic hugging hippies. And maybe, parents who need the government to step in and help them be parents. Obviously, what they do not know, can hurt them and their offspring. I think alot of common sense goes into parenting, and I have enough common sense to know what is not and shouldn't be up for consumption when it comes to my children. I also don't let them run around in the street in front of traffic, stay up all night, and climb on the roof of the house to play. But I don't need the Government to tell me that.
So I'm peturbed and the more I think about this, the madder I get. I guess that is what finally got me to write something in this blog thing that I've had for almost a year now. I jumped on the activism awareness wagon this morning. I wrote my Congressman, I called the TV stations, and I even got interviewed for the Local paper, (maybe front page). One small little mom in Kansas surely can't make it change, but if it makes a difference, and creates awareness... I guess I will just keep on keeping on.
Peace out.

good info on what's going on and who it's affecting...
http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-thrift2-2009jan02,0,2083247.story
http://www.fashion-incubator.com/archive/national-bankruptcy-day/

stop by the link below to give your two cents, and add your name, urging our representatives to take action with the CPSC in defining this law.
http://capwiz.com/americanapparel/issues/alert/?alertid=12274476