The Daily Battle

I'm not perfect,
I only wish to be
the kind of perfect person
I only want you to see.

I'm not perfect
my battle is all my own.
Don't judge
      berate
         or ignore me
because I'm not fully grown.

I'm not perfect
though I try and try to be.
My smile is just for show sometimes,
of the person I wish to be.

I'm not perfect
my faults are all my own
There's not a day that goes by
 that I could do it all alone.

I'm not perfect
   though I try to be.
the voices from my insides
   they are my worst enemy.

I'm not perfect.
I'll cry and mourn today.
When tomorrow comes,
I'll hang my head
and try another way.

So, I'm not perfect.
Why must I compare?
I'll stop today
and thank the Lord
and be happy He is there.

I'm not perfect?
I'll try and carry on.
My story,
my life
is why today I'm strong.

When God says no, and plans for good.

God is really held tight to me this year.  I am blessed to be able to feel this, He knows that I am a worrier, and that I am an anxious thinker. Pray, He is whispering. Pray without ceasing. He wants to have control of my problems and my worries.  I have to make the choice to give it up to him.

This past year has been another year of challenges and trials.  I have tried to stop and see what God has planned in it. But I can't even begin to be able to know what he knows about my future. It has taken me a while to get to the place of not needing to know what will happen next.  To be able to let go of worry and just trust in Him to take full control.  The blessing in getting there, has been this ability to drop to my knees, not out of pity or worry or fear, but out of true thanksgiving and rejoicing that God has given me adversity and trials. Like the waves on an ocean transforms and sculpts the sands on the beach, God has allowed some really tough stuff to come along in to my life. Not just to test how much I will trust Him, but to also make me seek and pursue Him.  He has pursued me my whole life.

 Do I think God is going to answer all my prayers?  Well, at this point, God's answer is looking like a "no" on most of my prayers lately. Though I have to remember that a "no", means, "not now" or I have other plans for you.   "For I know the plans I have for you," not always the way that I had wanted it, but God has in his supernatural ways worked things out for my good.  I don't have any ability to choose what is best for myself. God already knows what will happen, what I will do, and how he will work it out.  Amazing how I look back at my life and see how where I am now, could not have happened without God's interfering.  And I'm so grateful He did.

Jeremiah 29:11 has always been a verse that has been a source of comfort for me.  I consider this my life verse, the verse that seems to always appear whenever things are tough, or whenever I need encouragement. It takes me back to when I was a little girl, and my Mother always told me that God has the book of my life already written for me.  He knows the beginning, the middle and the end.  That always seemed so magical to me. I would imagine God, in his heavenly castle, Opening this huge book on a table of clouds, looking at the story that He wrote for me.  This image came back to me often throughout my childhood and my adolescence, whenever I was worried about where my life was heading or uncertain about circumstances.  It returned again to me, as an adult, when I was going through my divorce.  This is when I discovered this verse..  Feeling desperate, hurting, and alone, I attempted to turn to God during that time to seek comfort and assurance.  I went to a Christian Book store to search for something that could guide me or give me some peace.  I have always enjoyed journaling, and so I looked at the leather bound journals they had. The first one I picked up, when I flipped it open, I saw the verse Jeremiah 29:11 printed in the corner of the blank page.  It was the verse that reminded me of what my Mom had told me.  I bought it, and though I didn't use it like I had intended to, it became the journal I use during church service for my sermon notes.  And the other scriptures printed on those pages speak to me each week, perfectly timed to my circumstances.

During some of my toughest times in life the past few years, this verse has seemed like an "omen" of sorts. A message from God to "hold tight things are about to get bumpy". Though, as I have matured in my walk with Christ, I now do not look at this verse anymore as an omen of bad times to come, but comfort in knowing that bad times will always come.  The difference is now I know that Jesus' plans are always good and for my good. Worrying does not change it, and worrying does not make me control it any more than I possibly can. It gives me comfort and peace in knowing that no matter what happens, I have hope, because I have a future in Christ.

Journaling prayer, day 1

Today I sent my husband and two oldest children off to camp for the next four days.  Last year, it was nerve wrecking, exciting, and I was anxious for my husband to leave me, and my daughter to be so far away from me.  But this time it is bittersweet as I sigh a  breath of relief that this week may be the break that we needed. 

The past year has been far from easy.  Now we wait in limbo to find out what the conclusion to this phase of our 5 year battle will be. I have mourned what the results have so far presented themselves to be. The conflict from what if, how come, why, and who have broken my family as much as the pending ruling could. Peace is my ultimate wish in all of this, and I have wanted and desired nothing but. Yet somehow, sometimes the more you want something, the less chance you will get it. 

My walk with God throughout this though is something that I know I could not have achieved without this adversity.  I know that I would have faced my own journey alone if not made to be so weak. So on the bright end of this, I am closer to God. It does make it harder to keep staying close when things don't go the way you have been praying for, or the way you really want.  I am trying to make sense of everything, to suck up as much as I can out of it all to make as much good as is available.  I know that some of that making good though is up to God to do, so trying to keep my own will and way out of it is the other struggle.  I am not patient with the healing process. I tend to want resolution, and want it now. Not wanting to wait through the painful process of putting the broken pieces back together. I flip flop between optimist and depressionist. One minute wanting to  end it all, next minute convincing myself that it's really all going to be okay.  

I promised myself and my husband that I was going to be in prayer this week. Real prayer. Devoted, and committed prayer.  It's part of our sermon series at church.  My part is to pray and journal it.  So that I can see God at work in my praying.  I need this more than anything.  It comes during a time when I have questioned if God has even heard me. 

Heavenly father:  Today I ask you to please be with my loved ones who are apart from me.  Place protection around all they do and experience this week.  Make their actions intentional towards you and your word Lord.  I pray that you open eyes and hearts this week, and that you bring happiness and peace away from sorrow and fear. I pray that you speak to the hearts of those that refuse to listen to you and your word, that you would change the hearts of those who cannot let go of sinful ways, that they would make new habits to only hear and obey you lord. I ask that you help me to use my time for you, to keep my thoughts pure and right, and honorable. I pray for my family. Please Lord, help the healing process of the brokenness as a result of sin. Pray that the brokenness does not cause them to sin more. I ask Lord that you protect the hearts of my children and give them the avenue to express their hurt and to leave it at the feet of your son Jesus. Lord I thank you for these blessings of your word and your work. I pray for your will. I pray for your plan to made well, for only you can make good out of bad. Please Lord help me to see your purpose in these painful days, and help me to know what my purpose is in it.  In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Don't worry, be happy

Here's something huge that I recently discovered:  Contentment.
How is it that something as simple as feeling grateful and appreciative have the ability to turn your life from frustration and worry to happy and bliss?  How is it that it's taken me 37 years to learn it?

It started with just being sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Life can just be a little more than I want to handle sometimes.  I know that 90% of it is how you respond, and I take full responsibility for how I feel about things.  Why fight it anymore? The smartest thing my Dad ever said, and I know I've said this to myself again and again, is "prepare for the worst and hope for the best".  As life is about never ending change.  Although lately, I find that I have spent an unnecessary amount of time worrying about tomorrow when I should be enjoying today.  There are all sorts of things about today that I could find to complain about...not enough money, not enough time, geeze I'd like a new sofa it's 12 years old, but why?  It doesn't change anything to complain, and it doesn't offer any solutions except for making you feel like crap.

desert rainbow (designzzz.com)

What snapped me into this discovery?  Well, jump back about 6 months, the Lord brought me to a fabulous group of ladies who started a small group study on spiritual warfare (Kay Arthur "Is it Warfare, Teach me to Stand").  Through that study I was so blessed personally and spiritually. For many years I have been craving peace and contentment in my life. After a series of bad choices and unfortunate circumstances, I began to feel like I had lost any chance at peace and serenity.  As I've grown older my struggles with depression and anxiety have pushed that chance further and further away.  God has shown me, through that study, through a sermon series at church on spiritual warfare, and through another fabulous book on the same topic, Joyce Myer's In Pursuit of Peace,
that Peace takes constant effort to maintain and as a Christian, is a battle. Satan wants to take all joy from my life, and make me miserable with what I have, and with what I don't have. My biggest weapon against him and his tricks?  Contentment.  Just try it, you'll be amazed.  Look at your life and thank God for every bit of it. Name each thing individually that you are thankful for.  Look at it as a blessing where once it was a possible burden, embarrassment or source of stress.  Thank Him for it, as He laid all the plans out to get you where you are right now.  To feel discontent, would be almost like doubting that God even knows what He's doing.  I am amazed at how He is able to take my rotten decisions and choices and turn them into good.  The secret is not to fight his will, but to drop your walls, open the door and let God's way, God's plan, and God's will into your life.  Enjoy today, tomorrow is already taken care of. And when you stress and worry, give that stress to Him.  He has power to take it from you, provide for all your needs, and turn everything into his purpose and plan should you just let him.


Don't love money;  be satisfied with what you have, for God has said: "I will never fail you, I will never abandon you."  Hebrews 13:5

The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?  Psalm 118:6

I cry to you oh Lord, you are my refuge, my portion, in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me.  Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name.  Psalm 142:5-7

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
Phillipians 4:19

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been caled according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, character, hope.  Romans 5:3-4

whispers within

Sometimes when I talk to God I can hear him really strong. My mind can completely focus on what I want to pray about. I can shut off all around me and it can be just me and Him. But then there are those times when it feels really difficult to feel anything near to Him at all. And usually it's after I've gone way too long without praying, without reading my bible, or immersing myself in the word. This is when the world is louder than God and I let it blast at me too long. It's not even close to being anything I really want hear. It's the noise of the brokenness out there, and in here, and it becomes more and more of the racket my brain should not be focusing on. I'm trying to turn it all down, but I feel like I'm trying to close a door on an elephant. It's really hard. That's when I know I need to slow down, and look at me. Correct where I went wrong. My prayer starts with please Lord, fix all these things that are wrong in my life...fix him, fix her, reveal to them where it needs to be revealed. Then I get the answer I should've known I would get, and that's, "Listen to me. Talk with me. trust me." It's hard when as a christian you let yourself believe that because you are a christian, that everything in your life should go right all the time. Or at least get made right quickly. I know better. There's no promise of this really. God just wants us to keep walking with him. Just believe and trust in Him and it all will work out. Just keep doing what you are doing. Regardless of how rough it may get or crappy it may seem. The impatient side to me just wants to fix it all and make a change right now. But I can't do it. I need Him more than ever now.

My goals in my walk of faith

I have to share some of the "meat" from this weekends message at our church. I know so many of you who have been Believers for awhile, or new to faith. I know it's so easy in our world today to loose touch with our relationship with God and be swept into the everyday ways of the world and loose that connection. Faith has many seasons and sometimes those seasons can be stormy or mostly cloudy, or sunny and warm. Not knowing what season many of you are in, God has put it in my heart to share some of my message notes from this weekend. Since I have volunteered to serve Saturday nights, I get the opportunity to listen to the worship service twice in a row. I took notes both services this time! :)  I hope it will inspire you to examine what season you are in in your walk with Christ. And if you haven't decided to take the "walk", and haven't accepted the free gift of grace and forgiveness, I hope that this can serve as an inspiration to you.

"So I'm a New Christian, Now What?"

First you have to acknowledge and recognize who you are now, (forgiven) and that you are new now in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:17 "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" and YES! It really is THAT simple. Like Mark said, it just HAS to be! We alone could never pay for our own sin. Even a whole day in hell couldn't pay for one sin.

Understand that you are God's child now. His love is immeasurable for you. Acknowledge what HE has done for us.
2 Corinthians 5:19 - For God was IN Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people's sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation."
2 Corinthians 5:15 He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them." Where sin abounds, grace rebounds!

How to now grow that you are a Christian, and become a stronger one.
 

1. Nutrition: Feed yourself. Just as a newborn needs milk, so do you need the word of God to nourish your new found life. (1 Peter 2:2)
Take time to have a daily devotional time with your bible. Let go of the Blackberry for just that small time and make time for God's word.

2. Use the helpline: Pray. Prayer invites the super natural into our lives. Couldn't we all use a little supernatural in something in our life? Colossians 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart."

3. Community: Find a believer's network. Connection with other believers for a source of help and encouragement. "Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ's body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other." (Romans 12:4)

4. Worship: Find and experience "fandemonium". Let it all out to express the joy you now have in Christ. Worship brings us back to God and the word and centers us with Him again.
Psalm 92:4 "You thrill me, Lord, with all you have done for me! I sing for joy because of what you have done!"

5. Do something: Get busy for God. Volunteer at your church, reach out to others who are in need. By just doing one small thing, you have become a part of what God is doing in their lives. Romans 12:6-8 In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly."

So regardless of where you are in your faith, take time to see where you can be the person God intended for you to be. 

"for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper, and not to harm you , to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Imperfect perfection

All morning the "he is jealous for me" song has been running through my mind and still is at this very moment. After another "normal" day of being an "imperfect" woman, berating and picking apart all the things that aren't the way I want them to be, this song on replay in my mind is fitting.
Being a girl is tough. Not only do we have so many options for maintaining our look and appearance, but there are so many beautiful women to compare it to. Turning 35 is hauntingly close for me, and I struggle slightly with the fact that I am no longer considered a "young woman", but now venture into middle-aged-dom. I always asserted that I would go in unscathed. Bounce through it untainted by the stereotypical crises' and meltdowns. But as I get 3-4 months closer it looks as though I am going in kicking and screaming.
Today was unlike most days for me. It's not everyday that I can roll out of bed, get dressed and not do as much as glance in the mirror, trotting off without a care on what the image projects. I could spend an entire morning working on that image. Tweaking, picking, and prodding. Sure that I can get it to look just so. Not perfect, just, right.
"He is jealous for me", really Lord? Jealous? Jealous is such a strong word normally holding such contempt and, unpleasantness. How would I be able to induce such feelings in God, so perfect? Jealous because I spend so much precious time preparing myself for others, for this world, for my own self-worth? When God, the entire time, is watching over me, and saying, "Chandra, my child, you ARE beautiful!"
I know that there is more to this song, but "oh, how He loves us so", Loves us in spite of what we consider flaws and imperfections. God watches us and only sees us as "wholly and wonderfully made", in HIS image!

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.


We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…